Thoughts from Early in the Morning

Well that last post was pretty depressing I must say. I guess we all hit highs and lows. Being on prednisone and experiencing the mood swings, plus all that has been happening in life, all the emotions and chemicals just do not create a very pleasant mix.
I am up late (or early I guess..) due to some pretty serious stomach pain that has me doubled over in nausea and cramps much of the time. Despite being uncomfortable, I'm finding it to be more pleasant to think about what I'm grateful for, so I will post those things here.
I am grateful for the church. I am grateful for the YSA program. Basically, without either of these, I would have no life whatsoever. I would be a loser with no life. And I would probably hate it. So I am very blessed and grateful to have this in my life.
Back to the church, I am grateful for the gospel in my life and the truths that I know.
I am grateful for my education and that I will be debt free when I graduate. It is a burden I will not have to carry. I am very aware that very few are so privileged to have this luxury, so I take great appreciation in my dad's job and the benefits it offers for me and my future.
I am grateful for my talents. For music. Music is a language of God. As I study it more and more and as my repertoire expands and experience grows, my love for it also grows. I am glad to have this in my life and am glad that I can express my thoughts and feelings through such beautiful instruments. Especially when I cannot communicate them through words. Music is my release. My escape. My passion. My life.
I am grateful for who I am. There is a lot about me that I can dislike and that others can, too, but aside from my faults and flaws and wrong doings and imperfections (and much much more), I know who I am. I know I am a child of God. I know there is value in my life, even though at times, circumstances make it look worthless and pathetic. I know there is much more of me that has yet to become. I know there is much to me that nobody but God knows, and that because of this, I should put my entire trust and faith in Him.
I am grateful for the Christmas season. I haven't been excited for Christmas in years. Our new house is lovely. It's warm and cozy and open. Christmas will be very enjoyable this year. :)
I am grateful for my dogs. I love my dogs! Tango and Gus and Hoover. And they love me. :)
I am grateful for my family. Each of my siblings. My parents. We don't always have happy picturesque lovely occasions (with the exception of Oliver - he is just one big ball of happiness and love!), but I am grateful for what I have anyway. I couldn't imagine life without them. And I'm glad I never will have to.

It is just about 5 in the morning and the pain is not lessening.. it's intensifying. Bed, even if it doesn't include sleep, will be good.

Golly depression is a kick in the butt sometimes.
I am so tired of this lonely worthless feeling. Mostly loneliness... The semester is over and all of my friends went back home. Old friends are back in town, but I was never really super close to anybody in particular before they left for college anyway, so it's really not any different because our only form of communication is still via the internet. Lame. My good friend Scott just passed away suddenly from a rare cancer that came on very quickly. I never take any of my friendships for granted because the good ones are always so far and few in between, and he didn't take them for granted either, and it hurts to lose a growing friendship this way. I know and firmly believe in the Plan of Salvation, so I know everything is OK, but the heartbreak of losing a friend is still there. And on top of everything going on in life right now... I know it could be worse, I know other people have it harder, but for goodness sakes I'm struggling to stay above water. And I'm fighting for the struggle. I'm really trying. It is getting exhausting.
Losing friends seems to be a trend this year. And that's just it. I miss everybody. Everything.

I'm being told to go to bed.
I'm just lonely.
And nobody reads this anyway so it's not like there's really a point to this post.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post, but I guess I feel the need to say something somewhere. Even if nobody reads it...
I really hate being on prednisone. I feel so depressed. I was totally fine just 3 weeks ago, but now I can't get rid of this feeling of worthlessness and not caring. Every little thing screams "you can't do anything right! You're just crazy, why do you even bother!" Even though I know I am not worthless, I know it's not true, I know I have tremendous value, I know I am loved by many and supported by friends and family, I know the Lord loves me, I know all of this. But this gosh darned pill makes my mood swing so harshly. I can sense the instability of my emotions and self esteem, even when I'm feeling fine. I could have a melt down at the drop of a hat. It's completely irrational and I hate this because I am even AWARE of all of this, yet I can't control it! I hate prednisone!!! I hate snapping at my siblings and realizing what I am doing while doing it, not wanting to do it, yet doing it anyway and not being able to stop it. It scares the crap out of me. And it is not fair to those around me. At all. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I should be able to have some control over this, so in a way it's my fault. But what can I do?!!
I'm going to be seeing a neurologist or a muscular-skeletal doctor sometime over Christmas break to discuss pain management. That will mean I will not have to rely on heavy narcotics for pain relief. We will take a new approach to handling my pain, and hopefully that will be a step in the right direction for getting better. I really don't want another semester like the one I just had. I did just fine in my classes and everything, but it was not easy physically. I am so exhausted.
That's another thing with prednisone, going back to that topic. Insomnia. I hate it. I just simply don't sleep. And I wake up. A lot. My body just will not sleep. No matter how fatigued and exhausted I am, no matter how wiped out I am physically and emotionally and mentally. I just lay there. With no sleep. This is not good for my pain. Or emotional health.
To top it all off, prednisone isn't even helping. I am still having a lot of stomach pain. I still feel nauseous when I eat and, even though prednisone boosts my appetite, I still don't want to eat. I feel sick when I eat, it hurts when I eat.

I am falling asleep while writing this. I need to go.
I'll hang in there, I'll manage, this will be over soon... just 5 more weeks of prednisone. I can do it.

Sometimes I feel like giving up on doctors. All the numbers come back normal - beyond normal even, it appears that I am very healthy. "You are probably better nourished than I am" my doctor said. Because I drink Boost nutritional drinks every day. I sometimes wonder if maybe I stopped doing the things I do that healthy people don't have to do, they would realize that I am not well. But I know that would be stupid because obviously I have control over that part, and that's wonderful. But that doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time.

This pain is exhausting. Eating is exhausting. Eating hurts. Living hurts. My head hurts.

I hate complaining, too. I hate sounding whiny.
But I have to vent about this some time.

I get so dizzy. I have such hard crashes from when I'm feeling well to when I suddenly feel like crap. It wipes me out.
Driving is scary. Especially if I experience one of these "crashes".
School is so hard with this. Getting from class to class, remaining physically upright and attentive.
I'm so tired.

South Carolina and of course, Poor Health.

I'm currently in Columbia, South Carolina, typing from a hotel bed on a friend's laptop while she naps. I'm here in SC for the Society of Composers National Conference. People from around the nation submitted compositions to be performed at this huge conference. Only 100 were chosen, and 4 of the many many many compositions come from my school, Clarke University. Clarke has a student population of around 1100, with less than 30 being music majors, and even less being composers. Two of the four chosen from Clarke are professors, and the other two are students. They are the only undergrads at this conference. That's amazing!!! I'm here because one of the student composers wrote a piece for piano and cello and I was asked to perform the cello part. What an honor! So I performed on Friday and recieved many compliments.
On this trip I've learned a LOT about grad school and what it's like to live on your own and what makes a good school and what does not (we stopped in Indianapolis for a Butler University visit).

We leave for home tomorrow. Long drive to Indianapolis, then another drive to good ol' Dubz.

For the most part I'm having a really enjoyable time here.



It's been quite a while since I've updated this.
Since the last post, I've visited Iowa City a few times. Met new doctors. Had a colonoscopy. I was so sick from the prep I was throwing up all day of the scope. My blood pressure was 95/52 so they couldn't sedate me for a while. Had to give me IV fluids for about 45 minutes. Once I was about 102/60 they sedated me, but not fully because of the risks with my blood pressure. I was unaware of what was going on, but I was concious enough to give responses apparently. During the scope, I was yelling at certain points. This isn't normal for a healthy person. But they found nothing wrong. They even got 20 cm into my small intestine and found nothing. Yet I was yelling and in pain.
They scheduled me for an MRI and I had that done. Had to drink sooo much barium. Couldn't drink it all and I was so naseous that they couldn't give me the IV medication to slow my stomach down to make the image clearer. This is frustrating because the restuls from the MRI showed nothing helpful.
Heads up, I'm about to get into topics that aren't exactly dinner table appropriate, but still serious.
So now I am being treated for IBS. They want to see if I'm simply constipated.
I've been tested like that soooo maaannnyyyyy tiiiimmmeeesssssss. Using laxatives and cleaning my colon out doesn't do ANYTHING for this pain. For my appetite. The nausea, fatigue, heavy rectal bleeding (which still surprises me they didn't even see anything!!!!). I mean, even without laxatives, I'm having at least two bowel movements a day. That's more than my norm. And it's not necessarily healthy crap all the time, either. At least once a day it's urgent sick stuff.
On Tuesday the 23rd I go back to Iowa City. They're probably going to schedule another upper endoscopy. Dubuque did the first one and they haven't seen the images. They also said that usually when they re-do a test, they often find something that was missed the first time.

I'm just praying we can get this solved.
I am in daily pain. Many days it is to the point of tears, I can't even help it. This scares me. I've lost about 20 lbs. I'm currently fluctuating between 98-102 lbs. I'm in so much pain, I can't really comprehend it. I get so nauseous, I don't eat because it's just awful - hurts, makes me wanna barf -, my blood sugar gets low, I get dehydrated, I eat and drink, feel even worse, and then I can't sleep because I feel So. Sick. I wake up every night in pain. I'm bruising EVERYWHERE. There are unexplainable bruises all over my legs. Found one on my hip and two on my back. The ones on my arms are gone, but there were a couple of weeks where there were at least 3 on each arm. This is ridiculous. I'm living like this and there is nothing they can find that makes sense as to why I am living this way. I think I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm just about ready to believe that there's a demon spirit in me that is attacking my body. If the doctors don't find anything and if treatments and diets aren't helping, really, that's the only thing that would make sense.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL. I WANT THE PAIN TO STOP.


And yet, through it all, I'm managing to keep my body and my spirit separate. Crohn's (or whatever on earth it is) has my body. But it does not have me. My attitude and my spirit, my personality and beliefs are not touched by crohn's. Crohn's makes this all quite the battle to fight for, but for the most part I think I'm winning.
I just really need help.
I hate asking for help.
I'm such an independent person.
I have support of friends and family and I appreciate it so much.
I don't even know what kind of help. Help to take my mind off the pain. Help to keep me smiling. I'm not falling into a depression or anything, but even when I'm exhausted, it's nice to find something to smile for. And to have someone there to smile with me.. that's where I need the help.

Life

I need a place to write about this stuff, so I guess this is a good place. Only 3 people read this it looks like, which is preferable to facebook.

I'm being referred back to Iowa City for my crohn's disease and I don't know what to think about it.

I've really been spoiled with a nice year-long remission. I was hoping I'd be one of those people with crohn's who has one major flare up at the very beginning, gets put on some form of treatment, reaches remission and stays there. That was the goal. I guess I've forgotten that this disease can do its own thing without my consent. It can be treated with medication, and so far I don't seem to be responding to any yet. I'm going to start another one today that has been helpful in the past.

There are a lot of things on my mind and it's all really hard to understand and try to find a way to look at it all positively. I'm going to try and write them out, see if that helps my own thoughts to be clearer.

I am not too happy to be going back to Iowa City. So I ask myself: why?

I am not happy for many reasons. In the past, many of the tests I've had done in Iowa City, the results "came back negative". They "couldn't find anything that could be wrong". I hate this answer. It leaves me feeling helpless and somewhat doomed. I understand it's not the doctors' fault, I know they really sincerely are trying to get me feeling better. I guess I just tend to relate this answer to Iowa City simply because that's where I received it the most. And I have this automatic relation now of Iowa City = No answers. My common sense knows this isn't true, there's a lot that Iowa City can do, they have so many more resources and a lot more knowledge of what this disease can do. Still.. having an unpleasant history there doesn't help.

So that's one reason to not want to go, but it's not a very good reason NOT to go. And I'm not looking for one, either. I'm just trying to make sense of my feelings and thoughts.

I'm also really tired of feeling so darn sick. This is just patience related I guess. But really all in all, I don't want this. It's all very undignified, the ways I'm sick and tests I have to go through, and I like my dignity. It's exhausting to be in pain like this. It's frustrating to barely be able to eat. Food just is not appealing at all. Everything I eat I do not enjoy. I had birthday cake this last weekend. It was tasty, yes, and cake is my favorite food, but my stomach was in protest the whole way. Everything I eat. I will feel hungry at times. It's like, if my stomach could think and talk like a person, it would say weakly every once in a while "I..need..food" and the moment I put anything in there, no matter how soft and bland, my stomach says "ohh.... this was a mistake. Please, no more."

Whether I eat or not, I'm so nauseous. I threw up in church on Sunday and have come close to barfing every day since then.

I drink Boost nutritional drinks to keep the nutrients going in me. That keeps me going, but it doesn't sustain my weight. Every time I see the doctor my weight is down a few more pounds. My pants are getting baggy. My cello feels heavier.

And the pain. That's what can mess with my head, especially with my fear of hearing the words "there doesn't appear to be anything wrong." I've feared so much that maybe it's all in my head and I'm some kind of undiscovered nut case. But then the pain comes and I know it's real pain, I can point it out and everything. And I don't like complaining about it out loud too much either, but it's one of those things you can't just keep to your self for your whole life. You know, they say pain is your body's way of telling you something's wrong. Well, I can know something is wrong but I can't do anything about it, except maybe just not eat or go lie down for a while. Emotionally though, all of this, it's tough to deal with. Pain is hard. I've learned to be tough. Some days I'm in pain, and the way I've described it is, if just 5 minutes ago I had been feeling completely healthy and normal and fine, and then right now got hit with this kind of pain, I'd be crying from the intensity of this. But over the years I've grown to be able to sustain and maintain composure through more and more pain. You can learn to ignore it, but I personally don't think pain is something that should be ignored. If I were to develop a severe stricture or obstruction, or if my appendix were to become acute, that's not something I would want to ignore. So I always have my pain sensory radar on in the back of my head. I have to. Even though it's very possible that I'll live my life with none of the above happening, and I certainly hope none of it happens (I consider myself extremely blessed that none of this has happened!), I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I just want to live my life... without this. All of this. I'm ready to be done.

I don't enjoy a single bit of this at all. I try to look on the bright side. Here's a few.. I'm still able to play my cello. Crohn's can't stop me from doing that. I can still go to school. I have a job (though that's a whole other point of stress... work is so hard feeling sick like this). I have very understanding professors who care for me. I live in a great family ward here in Dubuque, it really is one big family. The care and love from them all is wonderful and I'm so thankful for them. I also know I could still be worse off. There are countless ways on how things could get worse. And I'm just glad it's not any worse than it has to be.

Even if it was... I'd manage. I can do this.

Just not by myself is all.

Reasons to Tailgate Me

Here is a list of reasons to tailgate (and ultimately rear-end) me that I have come up with due to an increased number of incidents I've had while driving in town.

1) My car is uglier than yours, so it's your loss when the damage is done.

2) My car is tougher than yours, so what will put a dent in my bumper will probably ruin your entire front end. (When I was 16, going 8 mph in a turn, I hit the corner of a minivan. Tiny little dent the size of my hand on my front bumper, barely noticeable, entire rear of the minivan had to be fixed. And I just hit a corner!)

3) 1 word: Hitch. I have one. And it's rusted on their permanently. Say "bye bye" to your radiator.

4) I'm not going to hate you for hitting me, I'll be friendly and sympathetic and let you use my phone if you need to. Though I might be laughing and shouting "I TOLD YOU SO!" on the inside.. only on the inside. ;)

5) I could use the money... and you could probably use the lesson. See? It's a win-win!!

There you have it.

What would be even better though would be if everybody just.. drove safe.

:|

Updating!

So I haven't really given a good update on here in a long time.

Our family went on vacation to Utah and California for the majority of July. It was a lot of fun. We camped at Mt. Shasta, and while there we had no electricity. It was pretty fun. We would drive to the top of the mountains to get snow and use that to keep food in the coolers cold and fresh. The creek next to where we set up camp was our water source. We boiled it and used that for everything. We climbed a few mountains, swam in a lake at the top of one, and hiked through an ice cave. Now, I've been in many caves before with tour guides and hand rails, and at some point they turn off the lights for the tourists to experience total darkness. Well, this cave wasn't a hand-railed hike with a trained tour guide. We made our own paths, climbing across slippery ice and through tunnels made by air bubbles in lava that spilled centuries ago. Using merely ropes and each other as ways to climb up and down, it really was an adventure.

Back in Utah, we went ATVing in the mountains surrounding the Springville/Mapleton area, tubing down the Provo River, and hung out with our family there.

All in all it really was a memorable trip. It was also our last trip as a whole family across country, seeing as Molly gets married in January and won't be accompanying us on these road trips any more.

On a more personal note, my health started declining again while on the trip. My appetite started diminishing on the last full day of camp. Since then, long story short, my appetite is just about gone, I'm in a lot of constant pain and I've lost about 10 lbs in less than a month. I see my GI on Wednesday. I just recently changed to an adult GI due to our insurance not covering me to go to Iowa City to see the pediatrics, since I'm now 18. It's really a relief not to have to travel 100 miles to get tests done. We also get a much warmer and better feeling with this doctor than we did in Iowa City. He really wants to know us and deal with this as a team, not just doctor and patient. I really really like that. :)

So with this doctors visit I'm hoping that if he decides to run some tests on me that they'll at least show something that we can work with. My worst fear with this disease isn't that something will go terribly wrong, but that I'll be in agony and nothing will be found for the cause. It's happened before and I never want it to happen again. Being sick and in pain, now knowing what your body is doing to you and doctors not being able to tell you is, to me, the scariest thing that can happen. Fortunately, I tend to doubt that will be the case this time. :) I'll update again when I find things out.

Religious Freedom Talk

Here's the message I shared at church this last Sunday. It went very well and I was humbled and glad to get to share it. :)

Good morning brothers and sisters. It is that time of year again when we reflect on our country’s history, how our nation came to be what it is today, and celebrate the freedoms we have because of the work of many inspired and courageous men. When most people think of Independence Day and the people who were involved in the revolution that brought about this day, they might think of the names they learned in text books, such as Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and many more. But one name that most likely is not going to be thought of in dealing with the history of this nation, at least not outside of the church, is Nephi.

In the First Book of Nephi, Nephi has a vision of the re-discovery of this promised land after the falling of Christ’s church. We read in 1^st Nephi 13:12:

And I looked and beheld a man among the Gentiles, who was separated from the seed of my brethren by the many waters; and I beheld the Spirit of God, that it came down and ^awrought upon the man; and he went forth upon the many waters, even unto the seed of my brethren, who were in the promised land.

The vision showed how there were many followers after this man, and that they had the Spirit of God with them. They humbled themselves before the Lord, and the power of the Lord was with them.

This vision is testimony that God indeed had an immense role in guiding the explorers and followers to this land and that He had influence and gave spiritual guidance to those searching for a new world. And because of Nephi’s prophesying, we may gain testimony of God’s plan for this country today.

There is evidence of God’s influence in the growth of this country scattered all throughout history, from Columbus claiming to have inspiration to travel from the Holy Ghost, to Benjamin Franklin making an appeal to have daily prayers in the Constitutional Convention. In the appeal, Franklin said “If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid? I believe without His concurring aid we shall succeed in this political building no better than the building of Babel.”

The Lord revealed to Joseph Smith that the founders of our country truly were inspired. For the purpose of maintaining the rights and protection of all flesh, moral agency, and that every man will be accountable for his own sins and not be in bondage with another, the Lord stated in D&C 101:80 that He “established the ^aConstitution of this land, by the hands of wise men whom I raised up unto this very purpose, and redeemed the land by the ^bshedding of blood.”

So we see evidence of God’s hand working in the minds of our founding fathers. I’d like to focus now on one of the freedoms we have that is a key part in allowing Christ’s church to be restored to the earth. That is the freedom of religion. We have this freedom because the Lord inspired the founding fathers to make it so.

I’d like to share some parts of a speech given by Dallin H. Oaks at BYU-Idaho last fall:

The First Amendment guarantees the right of free exercise of religion and free speech and press for the rights and protection of all flesh. Without these great fundamentals of the Constitution, America could not have served as the host nation for the restoration of the gospel, which began just three decades after the Bill of Rights was ratified. The First Amendment is also intended to separate churches and government, to prevent a national church of the kind still found in Europe.

The American colonies were originally settled by people who, for the most part, had come to this continent to be able to practice their religious faith without persecution, and their successors deliberately placed religious freedom first in the nation’s Bill of Rights. So it is that our national law formally declares: “The right to freedom of religion undergirds the very origin and existence of the United States.”

The free “exercise” of religion obviously involves both the right to choose religious beliefs and affiliations and the right to “exercise” or practice those beliefs. But in a nation with citizens of many different religious beliefs, the right of some to act upon their religious principles must be qualified by the government’s responsibility to protect the health and safety of all. Otherwise, for example, the government could not protect its citizens’ person or property from neighbors whose intentions include taking human life or stealing in circumstances rationalized on the basis of their religious beliefs.

Elder Oaks comments on the complications that the Supreme Court must go through in interpreting the Constitution and identifying principles. He relates stories to the early Mormons and the struggles they had with laws being built against them. Elder Oaks brings up the fact that we are fortunate to have such a guarantee in the United States, and that many nations don’t. The importance of the guarantee of religious freedom in the United States should make us ever diligent to defend it. And it is in need of being defended. Not only in offence from other countries who do not agree with the ways of our nation, but from those opposing many basic religious beliefs in the first place.

Elder Russell M. Nelson spoke to a group of youth in Boston, Massachusetts on June 10th, just 2 weeks ago. He spoke to them about religious freedom and how we need to protect it. He said:

§ "Even the definition of marriage is now a topic of heated debate. That is only the tip of a larger iceberg. Below this tip is the weightier matter of free exercise of religion. Contention is raging over two main issues: (1) Can marriage survive as the bedrock of our cultural heritage? and (2) Can our precious freedom of religion be preserved?"

§ "If civil law were altered to recognize so-called "same-gender" marriage, you as believers in God, and keepers of His commandments, would then be regarded as exceptions to the rule. Your conscientious convictions would then be regarded as discriminatory. If you were a Christian school teacher, you could be charged with bigotry for upholding the Lord's law of chastity. In truth dear brothers and sisters, if you lose marriage, you also lose freedom of religion. Atheistic moral bedlam and religious repression go hand in hand. At stake is our ability to transmit to the next generation the life-giving and inseparable culture of marriage and the free exercise of religion."

We must stand for what we know is right. We must be missionaries in these latter days. We are commanded not only to keep the commandments, but to stand for and share them. D&C 88:81: it becometh every man who is warned to warn his neighbor.

I have a testimony that this church is true. I know that our founding fathers were influenced by the spirit and that this great country was created by God as a part of His plan. It is such a blessing to live here, where we can meet here as a congregation weekly and worship to our hearts content without worry of breaking the law, where we have such a religiously diverse culture – missionary opportunities surround us! We can take advantage of our religious freedom and share what we know. I know the Lord is pleased when we do what is right. We are so blessed to live here; I know this is true, I know Thomas S. Monson is our living prophet and that the scriptures are true. I know the Lord loves everyone, and it is our duty to share his love.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ

Amen

This Morning

I've been exhausted for the last week, no matter how much sleep I get. I've had a headache for the last 2 days, starting Monday afternoon. Yesterday afternoon (Tuesday) I started feeling very nauseous and lost my appetite. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because my head hurt so much. I took some pain meds and those took forever to kick in. When they did kick in, I had to try and make my brain slow down. I finally get to sleep, then this awesome thunderstorm starts. Awesome, except that I needed to wake up for work in the morning, and at this rate I knew work was gonna suck. So I wake up this morning and stand around waiting my turn for the shower so I can get ready for work. My head hurts and I feel like I might barf fairly soon. Once I'm in, I start my routine; wet my hair, shampoo, and as I'm rinsing and reaching for the conditioner, I can't see anymore and my brain feels like it's going to just turn off and I feel my legs giving in. I stumbled out of the shower and grabbed a towel and weakly yelled for someone to let them know I'm passing out. Lay down on the floor, Molly brought me clothes and more towels, dad checked my heart rate. Heart rate was good, can't check the blood pressure though. I got dressed on the floor and got to my bed. Been laying here ever since feeling very "bleh" as I put it.

I hate being sick.

If I'm not doing much better in a while I'll probably go to the doctor in the morning.

RIP Richey Family

http://cbs11tv.com/local/granbury.family.mourn.2.1761752.html

I had heard of this plane crash last week from friends of mine in Texas, but I didn't put two and two together that these people were old friends of ours until today when my mom reminded me that this lady was our house maid for a whole year while our house was on the market. We really got to know her and her family, and we had many mutual friends in the community. I remember our last few days there we had a barbecue at her home for memorial day. This is really tragic to hear about this.

Please keep their two surviving sons in your prayers. They're currently recovering in an El Paso, TX hospital.

Fiery Sunset

Friday was a stormy evening with a beautiful sunset.

Talk?

I knew I couldn't hide forever.... a member of the bishopric in our ward called me this afternoon to ask me if I would give a talk next week.

And I have no clue what to say.

Fortunately I'm not giving a full length talk, I'm getting a 5 minute slot.

I'd really like to do this without my dad writing it for me, as would always happen as a kid/youth. I want this to be my own words, my own studies and my own work. I'll take help of course. I'm gonna need it..

So.... time to start thinking about what to say about our country and our freedom of religion/choices and its relation to the prophecy of a promised land.

No politics! I hate politics.

Feigning

I have quite a few talents, some that are fairly common, such as music and art and such, and some of those little trivial skills that you often put in for an answer when asked "tell us something about yourself that we don't know" or "Do you have any hidden talents?".

Well, this isn't exactly hidden, and I wouldn't necessarily call it a "talent" either. It's a bit more of a skill, but almost a life-style these days.

I've become quite believable at feigning comfort over the last few years. Nobody really knows that I'm in pain much of the time. I drive around, I get into conversations with people, I walk the halls of Clarke College, I perform, I go to work, I do all of your every-day tasks and you would not be able to tell when I am in pain and when I am not. I don't really like that kind of attention. The "oh you don't look like you're feeling very well, why don't you go sit down?" No thanks. I'm perfectly fine, I can tough it out. I know my limits.

I'm getting better at this, too. Keeping a normal facial expression and a composed body while my insides burn and cramp in sharp twisting pain. It's almost a requirement. I simply don't have time to deal with this. I can't let it control my life. I'm not in denial about it, but it's just getting old fast. Yet it's something still fairly new to me, I've only been in this much pain for a few years out of my 18 1/2. I'm learning to deal with it. And I'll probably deal with it for a large portion of my life. As much as that sounds like it sucks, you know, I'm sure I'll be able to help others with this or something or other.

It's so weird. I don't much like this, but I'm all for making the best with what you're given, so I guess this is just something I'll be making the best of for a long time.

I don't really need any help or consolidating words or anything. I don't really know why I feel the need to share this. I guess sometimes the pain gets really bad sometimes and it really frustrates me, I just get so stinking tired of it all, the twisting and burning and cramping, the sudden rush of pain that literally brings me to the floor, and the exhaustion that accompanies pain, and nobody knows I'm going through it. Nobody knows I'm in pain and am frustrated sometimes. And that's because of my own not-showing-pain. And with the whole don't-keep-things-bottled-up, I guess I need to vent about this stuff sometimes. I've learned the hard way that I really can't keep things bottled up.

So that's my vent I suppose. I'm writing this at 12:34 at night because I can't sleep because of this darn Crohn's disease pain.

Hmmm.

Church in the morning.

Goodnight.

Durango

We now live in Durango and I love it. The whole family loves it. Our house sold and we got this beautiful land. The house is like a ski-lodge resort cottage. The whole upper level is just one huge open space, with a kitchen on the far end, a dining/stair space in the middle and a sitting room with a large and beautiful window in the front and a door that leads to a deck with a view. Off of the middle of the upper level is the master bedroom and bathroom. Off the side of the kitchen (on the same side of the bedroom) is the laundry. To the other side of the middle is a door leading to a huge 3 seasons room that sits right over our 2 car garage (we haven't had a garage in 7 years!!!!!!). Lower level is basically the same, only just a plain sitting room with 2 large bedrooms and a shared bathroom.

Aaanywho...

My friend Josh is coming out to see me this week. His flight was supposed to come in from Atlanta to Moline, IL at 11:50 this morning, but the freakish change of weather in Atlanta has prevented that and he will arrive there around 8:45 tonight. Either way, I am VERY excited and am surprised I've maintained a sense of calmness for this long. I'm about to jump out of my skin like a crazy lady I'm so excited. Keep catching myself smiling like a mad man and not being able to stop. This is going to be a great week and I'm so eager for it to start.

I am exhausted and think I'll take a nap before I go.

Not that anybody reads this anyway. :P

Moving

Tonight is our last night in our 1020 W 3rd St home. The old Queen Anne Victorian built around 1895-1901ish home. We're moving to a newer home with much more yard (4 1/2 acres of it!!!) and just overall an improvement. I'm gonna miss this house, I really like it. It's really big. I like having an attic bedroom, it's unique and fun. Though sometimes tedious when the birds make nests right on the other side of your wall and bats get in your room, it's livable. It's cool hearing hail on the roof :) But you know, I've had 7 years of this now and I think I'm good. Ready to move on.

It's interesting how it's worked out in my life, moving and my life.

I spent my infant/toddler years in one place. 3 houses but same town. I spent my "little kid" years (age 4-7) in Odessa. My "big kid" years (age 8-11) in Lubbock. I've spent my teenage years (12-18) in this house, and now I'm going to be moving to this next house to live my undergrad college/young adult years. When I graduate from Clarke I'll move out somewhere and probably go to school, rent an apartment or something. Get a job and/or get married, do whatever it is and go wherever it is the Lord wants me to go. May go on a mission. May not. I have no clue. Either way, these days are to prepare me for whatever may come.

And boy do plans change sometimes.

Long story short, I've met a guy, and things are falling into place. Totally was NOT expecting that to happen. Didn't even want it really. Wasn't looking, wasn't even desiring. I was completely prepared for 4 guy-less years (following the 18 I've already had...hahahahaha) I'm not sharing details because there are none. And this is the internet anyway. Other than I'm so excited to see him over spring break. :):):) So excited. So so so excited.

Ahhhh better get to bed. Elders quorum coming to help us move in the morning.

:)

Such a happy person these days. :)

:) :) :)

stupid emo rant

you don't have to read this, I'm just a stupid teenager.

tired of being treated like a stupid teenager at least.

Not fitting in or feeling very accepted as an individual and an adult.

Not being understood and really struggling on finding ways to get people to understand.

Like, I'm only good for certain things and everything else I'm supposed to be quiet and remain invisible from.

That's how it was in high school. I thought I left that.

Apparently not.

Whatever.

The only thing I don't know is how to deal with it.

So I appear stupid and immature because I don't know how to be around people I suppose. I'm always just myself, but it always feels wrong.

Even with my own freaking family. My parents. My sisters.

What the hell.

It's probably my fault. It always is.

I'll fix it when I have some freaking time.
Time? What is that.
It doesn't exist in my world, I'm far too busy. There's too much to do.

I'm handling my life ok, there's just a lot of unimportant stuff being added and I can't deal with that.

Do people not understand that I am not super woman? And I will break down if driven too hard? Do I need to say that? Or will that just be another immature and child like action of mine to add to the list hmm?

Again.

Whatever.

Stress Relievers

Two recent favorite stress relievers of mine have come in great use recently. They would be:

Wii Sports Resort - Sword Fighting.

Takes a lot of full body strength to beat the suckers off the stand and down into the depths of the ocean below. At least for me it takes a lot of strength. It's great! If I didn't have this, I'd say I need a punching bag. I still could probably use one.. man it feels great to beat something up sometimes.

Another recent stress reliever of mine is a new piece I'm learning on my own (my teacher doesn't know I'm learning it, and frankly I don't want the help/advise from anybody on my skills for this piece. I'm beyond content putting all my frustration in to it, even if it doesn't have EVERY SINGLE accent played that's written in the music. I just don't give a darn for now.) I'm not going to competitions in this, I'm just learning it for the satisfaction and fun that it really is. That's how I wish I could learn all of my music.

I give you: Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C# minor.

I suppose that mini rant above is because I've been on this one sonata with my piano teacher for just a bit too long... she's getting down to the extremely knit-picky stuff, and frankly I just want to move on to something else. I don't really care if I need to let go of a note a millisecond earlier, because it's messing me up when I have to focus on that and I can't enjoy the piece anymore.

Fortunately, that's not how it is with cello, and piano is not my major instrument. I'd go knit-picky over everything with cello any day.

Gah. I hate these stupid stomach pains I keep getting. It hurts!!!!! I see my GI 2 weeks from today.

Ignorance

"The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance."

don't remember who said that.. I think it was Ben Franklin?

Anyway.

Ignorance is annoying to deal with.

I will admit I am ignorant towards a few things, but at least I make sure to not place any discredited opinions towards that which I am not very knowledgeable of.

Something happened today that I'm not sure what to think of. Kind of rattled me a bit, I've never been told this before.

I was practicing my cello in one of the practice rooms at Clarke (which after today I may not do for a quite a while..:( ). I've been practicing the piece I've been so excited to learn. Here's a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inLlNdjKgTQ

There was a piano tuner tuning all of the pianos (no way!) at Clarke and he was in the room next to me. I stopped practicing to go to choir. After choir, I went back to the practice rooms to grab my cello and head home. The tuner had moved into that room, so I knocked on the door, opened it, grabbed my cello saying "hi, just gotta grab this". Shut the door, then he came out and asked "were you playing in here earlier? Like, late morning-ish?" I replied "oh yeah". He said to me "that was you?? Wow. That was phenomenal." and smiled. And he started talking about how he was impressed. He said he stopped tuning for a while and just stood out in the hallway to listen. I was flattered. Then he said that while he was out there, a group of students walked by. I was practicing the part that in the recording is around the time 2:36-2:48, with the double stop chords ascending and then descending and all. I was doing really well, getting it all perfectly in tune and with a dramatic interpretation (which my teachers have been telling me the way I play it is fantastic and impressive). The piano tuner told me that when the students walked by, one of them said out loud "God that sounds awful."

...that kind of was a punch in the gut.

Now, I know they don't know anything, so what they say doesn't really matter. The tuner told me "I couldn't believe they said that, made me think, you know, people are so ignorant these days about music that isn't 'popular', it's a pity really."

So I'm flattered the musician thought I was phenomenal, but I don't think I've ever once been commented on sounding "awful"... that's a hard one to take. Because I'm not awful.. I'm not exactly perfect or the best, either. I *am* up there (in rating the quality of my playing abilities, sound, knowledge and over-all musicality) if not exactly very high (like say Yo Yo Ma or a Juiliard student/graduate), but I'm pretty sure I'm far from sounding...awful..

I just need to forget it. That's a lot easier said than done. I don't want to practice at Clarke anymore if ignorant idiots are going to be making comments like that.

So.

On a different topic...

I've joined the Cantabile Choir (woman's choir) at Clarke. I've always been put in the alto section because I have a wider range than a lot of people (both low and high), I can read music and sing out and am good for support. I've been told I could sing anything and always end up in the altos. Well now I'm at a place where everybody reads music very well and have been assigned elsewhere from the altos! I'm a 2nd soprano! And I think I like it a lot. :)

I think that's all.

Oh, the semester started yesterday.
I'm busy.

The end.

My Mind

Sooo much on my mind..

The latest facebook trend has me rather disgusted. I don't know if I'm just an uptight grandmotherly snob or what, but I don't think that this is the best way to bring out breast cancer awareness. As one of my facebook friends put in her status, she "thinks this whole color thing was thought up by some male slob who needs a vicarious thrill. C'mon, ladies, it's not curing anything besides men's winter doldrums." Couldn't agree more. Though I doubt the male slob part, it probably was a woman's idea, it's still a bit ridiculous and a bit aside from the point of breast cancer awareness.. woman can see the point of this, yes, but guys are just gonna be imagining the girl in that color bra, am I right????? This whole deal is turning into a rather skanky thing. Some of the comments on these colored statuses are revolting, and I've received a few "girl's only messages" with things like "round 2 for confusing the men!" and "here's the next status game for girls" where you put a number for what kind of underwear you're wearing. Ok, really? Is that necessary? Do we REALLY need to know that? Do we really need to let the world know this?? Oh brother. Disgusting. I've been fortunate to not have seen any "number" statuses yet. And I hope the trend doesn't pick up. Yuck. I (and just about everybody else on facebook) seriously do not need to know this. It's just plain trashy.

My teeth freaking hurt. I'm so tired of braces.

And though yes, I am tired of it, I am starting to get used to the cold. I put on my coat and boots and scarf and gloves and hat, walk out the door, yes it's bitter, but it's not that bad anymore. That doesn't mean I wish it to stay. I so badly miss summer and being able to sit outside, soaking in the sun and reading with nothing but a t-shirt, shorts and bare feet.

Working out potential ensemble credits at Clarke. I love Clarke College, it's a great school, great music program, except that it's lacking in the strings department. Right now I get an ensemble credit for being in the Youth Symphony. However, there are a few better places for a college student to be in an orchestral ensemble than the Youth Symphony. But none of them are in articulation with the Clarke Music Department as of yet. So my attendance at Clarke may bring some changes to the music department...hahahaha. Because of my questioning and what will be persistence, they will hopefully team up with UWPlatteville and work it out so that any string students will be able to play in their symphony orchestra and have that count as a credit. For now however, I'll have to pay quite a bit of money if I want that to count as a credit. Whereas, in the Youth Symphony, I have a scholarship to be in there. But again, it's not the ideal college experience. I love it, yes, but I'm not growing in the way that I should.

And another option, I'll be auditioning for the Dubuque Symphony Orchestra this fall. A few obstacles: 1) there may not be an opening, and it's looking like there won't be. That can change, but right now it's too soon to tell. 2)If there is an opening, I'll have to do extremely well in my audition. This means a LOT of practicing and a lot of growing will need to be made in the next 8 months. I think I can do that, I think I can have a killer audition, but none of that is going to matter if #1 on the list becomes true. So I may or may not make it in, we can't tell right now. If I make it in, all's fine, Clarke is already set up with the DSO from past students and it would just work out as my ensemble. However it's looking like I may not be able to join until fall of 2011, assuming there are no openings fall of 2010 and there ARE in 2011. We'll just wait and see.

Dang that's a lot.

My head hurts.

My Boost drink exploded on me today and it was not fun.

I wish I could work more hours, but I can't with all this school. Wish I could make more money. I'm taking 18 credit hours this semester. I'm excited to be getting things done with and making progress. I'm also excited to be seeing my good friend Josh in a few weeks. :) That will be fun and will make for a busy spring break the first week of March. Aaahhhhhhh.

Time to go find something else to do besides being on the internet.

Obsessed Much?

I am getting my braces off very soon (I hope) and am so extremely tired of having them on. I look like a 16 year old with them on. I've been so ready for so long to have them off, and since I've been super bored on this snow day, I decided to goof around and edit some pictures to see what I look like without braces. I've changed so much since I had them on, have had about a dozen different hair styles, my face has changed since being back on and back off of cortisone steroids, and I just look older than I did when I was 15 anyway. So for my boredom and your entertainment, here are my roughly edited pictures with my "brace-less" teeth. :P I had to make them heavily black and white so as to smooth out the editing.. hahaha. They get better as you scroll down, as I learned more and more how to better edit them. Edited on picassa with the "retouch" tool. :P

Click on them to enlarge them without the background showing through :)

Years

Been reflecting a little bit on the last few years.

2009 was definitely a HUGE improvement from 2008 and 2007....and 06 and 05. :P But 2008 was definitely the worst. I was so relieved at new years last year, so relieved to say goodbye to a rotten year full of depression and struggle and frustrations (to say the least), and so ready to bring on a new year of improvement and joy and a huge attitude change. I believe I've been successful in achieving that, and my goal for this next year is to continue in having a positive attitude, increasing my spiritual strength and working on my talents. Also hoping to be a bit more social and open and not so frozen and hidden all the time. That will be something I will need to work on my whole life, but might as well start making an effort to work at it now, huh?

Some resolutions I have for this year are:

To be more positive about things, more specifically, don't let anger and frustration and resentment be the first emotion. This mostly applies to driving and various things that tend to get on my nerves. Rather, look at it from the large picture, and think of what Christ would do.

Practice cello and piano more and work even harder.

Read my scriptures more often. Daily. At the very least 5 days a week.

Just over all learn a better sense of being independent and mature and WISE without having to rely on parents/others as much.

Read more. Not just scriptures, but seriously, I need to read more books. Hardly read any this last year, it's a pity.

Work through whatever my health may throw at me, stay strong emotionally, spiritually and physically so I can better fight whatever may come. Also eat healthier and stay fit.

Hmm. Some things that happened in 2009:

January: It was a harsh winter. Not too much happened. Started my last semester of high school. :)

February: About the same as January. No valentine (whatever), and started preparing for the school musical.

March: Went to New York City with the music department, and also had the musical Suessical the Musical. That was fun.

April: Things started warming up and I started finishing up my online classes so I could graduate from high school in time. I won the concerto competition!!!

May: Prom (no date but had a blast anyway), Graduation, made principle cellist at the Iowa State Honors Orchestra in Des Moines. Ahhh good month.

June: Girl's Camp!!! Wow. And Youth Conference. Gee wiz. Hottest month of the year. Got my first job at the Humane Society.

July: It was a cool July. Not very warm. Even the 4th of July was chilly. But good still :)

August: Softball games and getting ready for college :) And Aunt Karen came over for a while :)

September: Turned 18!! And college!! And YSA Conference. Stopped working at the Humane Society and started up at Dairy Queen.

October: More college, lots of preparation for the solo with the symphony, and then the performance. Also Halloween. And my grandpa Gidley came to town to see me play. :)

November: Mooooreee school, Thanksgiving and snow

December: snow, finals, more snow, break, work, snow, Christmas and New Years :)

Wow what a year. :)

Can't wait to see what this one holds :) :) :)