The Words and Works of Laura

I don't really know why I'm writing this post, but I guess I feel the need to say something somewhere. Even if nobody reads it...
I really hate being on prednisone. I feel so depressed. I was totally fine just 3 weeks ago, but now I can't get rid of this feeling of worthlessness and not caring. Every little thing screams "you can't do anything right! You're just crazy, why do you even bother!" Even though I know I am not worthless, I know it's not true, I know I have tremendous value, I know I am loved by many and supported by friends and family, I know the Lord loves me, I know all of this. But this gosh darned pill makes my mood swing so harshly. I can sense the instability of my emotions and self esteem, even when I'm feeling fine. I could have a melt down at the drop of a hat. It's completely irrational and I hate this because I am even AWARE of all of this, yet I can't control it! I hate prednisone!!! I hate snapping at my siblings and realizing what I am doing while doing it, not wanting to do it, yet doing it anyway and not being able to stop it. It scares the crap out of me. And it is not fair to those around me. At all. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I should be able to have some control over this, so in a way it's my fault. But what can I do?!!
I'm going to be seeing a neurologist or a muscular-skeletal doctor sometime over Christmas break to discuss pain management. That will mean I will not have to rely on heavy narcotics for pain relief. We will take a new approach to handling my pain, and hopefully that will be a step in the right direction for getting better. I really don't want another semester like the one I just had. I did just fine in my classes and everything, but it was not easy physically. I am so exhausted.
That's another thing with prednisone, going back to that topic. Insomnia. I hate it. I just simply don't sleep. And I wake up. A lot. My body just will not sleep. No matter how fatigued and exhausted I am, no matter how wiped out I am physically and emotionally and mentally. I just lay there. With no sleep. This is not good for my pain. Or emotional health.
To top it all off, prednisone isn't even helping. I am still having a lot of stomach pain. I still feel nauseous when I eat and, even though prednisone boosts my appetite, I still don't want to eat. I feel sick when I eat, it hurts when I eat.

I am falling asleep while writing this. I need to go.
I'll hang in there, I'll manage, this will be over soon... just 5 more weeks of prednisone. I can do it.