whoops....

wrong blog! I don't think this one is even watched..... clearly I'm too tired to be writing tonight.

Funk

Too whiny to post on facebook...

Goodness do I feel sick. That was an awesome 7 months of remission. All good things must come to an end though I suppose.

I'm feeling so out of whack, like something's not working in me. Well, aside from the obvious. I think I'm just stressed and overwhelmed with these symphony auditions, school starting back up ,and after this last semester with that one particular class, I'm not particularly fond of the idea of going back to the place where hell was a living experience 3 days a week. And things like... the fact that the house is a mess and it's beyond my control. Although after a talk with parents tonight, we have a plan for kicking these kids through the Priest Home Boot Camp for Chores... because it is making me sick. I think this mess is really what is making my head and emotions feel so...deprived, confusing and funky.

And it's been an emotionally weird day. Not all bad emotions either, no, actually a lot of them are excellent, but this funk I'm in is just bothersome.

I think deep down, I'm just extremely frustrated about being sick again. I've worked my butt off to be healthy, and I got there. Life has been soooooo good to me these last several months. Heck, I was just in the middle of enjoying life, nothing super stressful happening, just being me, and it hit again. I hate this pain. I hate feeling sick, I hate not being able to eat and then nearly passing out three times a day, I hate that I can't talk to anybody who truly understands exactly what it is that I go through. There's an online support group, but they're not here in person for me to cry with or anything. I'm just so frustrated that I am sick. Again.

GRR.

Turnaround!

What a turnaround from last night! Long story short, all kidney and pancreas tests turned out negative. The sudden bleeding could have been caused by any number of things and is no longer a big concern, whatever it was has healed!
However, the abdominal pain must be from my gut. When both my doctor and the lady who did the ultra sound pressed on my upper stomach is was extremely painful. So, I will be on trial medicine for a week to see if I have acid induced ulcers. If that doesn't help, I will be back to the GI doctors with a recommend for another upper endoscopy to check out my gut.
I am surprisingly not set back by this at all. I think the strength of relief that I got from finding out everything was negative just makes this all so much easier to deal with. I figure, hey, I've done this before, I can do it again easy.
Well, maybe not "easy", but emotionally and mentally, it will be very easy. :)

Oh and... this might possibly mean taking back the "r" word. For now. I will one day again own that! And it will be oh so worth it.

Anxiety

Funny word, anxiety, if you look at it long enough.

I only post this because I don't really want to put this on facebook where a few hundred people can see it, yet I need to type it out in a place where I know at least my cousins see this and can listen (or, well... read).
First, the good (excellent wonderful awesome amazing) news!
I can now say the "r" word. REMISSION!!! My crohn's is in REMISSION. YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I hope it lasts forever and ever and ever. :D
I do however have dysfunctional bowel/IBS. Parts of the nerves in my colon are dead, so some parts simply don't move and work, so I get pain in the surrounding areas from them working too hard, and I also get backed up, which is in and of itself painful. Dulcolax and lots of water fixes that!

Now the other news. It isn't exactly bad, but I'm not necessarily jumping for joy.
Precisely a week and 1/2 after I was told I was in remission (Friday), I woke up, went to the bathroom, filled the toilet with blood. Called the doctor, went in to see my excellent primary care physician. They ordered some urine tests. They found a bacteria in there, some blood, but no white blood cells which meant this is coming from the kidneys. The doctor tapped my back up and down and it was very tender where my kidneys are. Put me on an antibiotic, told me to call back in a few days if things don't improve/get worse. Told me to watch for fevers and/or vomiting.

I realized during this appointment that the "upper stomach pain" I've been complaining of for a couple of months had been getting stronger and sharper over the last 2-3 weeks, as opposed to the dull stab-like ache it was the rest of the time. I told the doctor that and basically said it could be further evidence of a kidney infection.

Over the last few days the pain did not go away. Though I only filled the toilet with blood once, I've been dripping. The pain is getting worse. I'm so exhausted. Two-three times I felt heated/sweats with shivers and chills, but those went away fairly quickly. I've also developed a dull ache in my very very lower stomach.

My doctor's nurse called me today to see how I was doing. I told her everything in the paragraph above. She said my doctor was hoping the antibiotics would work and that they don't like that I'm in pain, I should come in tomorrow if at all possible.
So I'm going to go in tomorrow. And I don't think I have been anxious for a doctor's appointment in a very very very long time. I think the last time I was anxious was probably my first couple of appointments in Iowa City back when I was 13. I'm anxious because I'm afraid that they'll find something bad, or that they won't find anything at all and I'll be at yet another dead-end. I've been working my butt off to get healthy. And I will continue to do all I can to get healthy and remain healthy. I really just want all illness to leave me so that I can start living the life I really want to live.

Yet I sit back, look at my life, and know I can take anything that comes my way and it will all be ok in the end.
So glad I wrote this out. It helps me think better.

Therapy

My stomach disagrees with so much, a democrat would accuse my stomach of being a psychotic terrorist. Hehehe.
Anyway.
There is a lot going on in the life of Laura at the moment! Sort of... mostly just planning. But there is a lot of planning to do. Like.. potentially transferring out of Clarke to a different school. Not entirely sure where yet, but my plan so far (open for change - it has been changing constantly over the last few weeks), no matter where I go, is to continue my studies in music education and also pick up cello performance. I will take some psychology classes while doing my undergrad as well to get prerequisites out of the way. After I graduate, I will go to an accredited school for Music Therapy and take the required courses to receive certification to be a music therapist. Then I will get my masters in either Music therapy or Occupational therapy, or something similar. This way, when I am done, I will have the option to work in a hospital or clinic using music and/or therapy to uplift others and improve their lives. This is something I really really want to do. If no jobs are available for that, I will be certified to teach, even if it just means substitute teaching. With a cello performance degree, I will be a much better player than I am now and will be more likely to get into symphony orchestras. I will also be qualified to conduct orchestras (AWESOME). And of course, I can teach private lessons for both piano and cello.
Basically, I will always have a fall back option! And I will enjoy them all.
The nice thing about all of these jobs (except for teaching) is that I can do them part time. And with the therapy, I can do it part time and still make a decent income. With private lessons in with that, I could easily support myself and my family. I would be good at the work I do and I would thoroughly enjoy it.
I am so excited to get started! Move closer towards a career. Live on my own for a while. I just hope my health doesn't become too much of a problem.
Now to just decide where to go, finish applications, and figure out how to get there.... hmmmm...

Back to my stomach, it just hurts whenever I eat anything. And when I don't eat anything. And nausea is a way of life. So are the runs. I'm almost done with prednisone!!! One more week!!!! And I avoided the moon face. :D Not the acne and mood swings, though. Those hit hard for a while. I also "avoided" any weight gain.. which is not good because that was kind of part of the reason for going on the steroid in the first place. Duh. So stupid. Basically all that changed was my skin and mood. Awesome.

On a brighter note, Molly and Kevin got married last week! It was a beautiful wedding. And reception. Pictures should be on facebook soon.... I think. We had a fun time with our Aunt Karen, who came out to help with the wedding and reception. All week we made jewelry and organized/decorated for the reception. Grandma and Grandpa Priest came out as well and it was enjoyable to have them visit for a few days, too. Uncle Jeff was only here for a day, but we enjoyed his company, too!

Lots of kids talking around me right now, I guess I'm done writing for now.

I Predicted this Insomnia

I predicted I would get insomnia from the prednisone before I was put on it. Thank goodness I only have 2 1/2 weeks left on the stinking pill. 15 mg is sure less powerful than 40 was at the beginning though. The mood swings have calmed way down. The acne, however, is still going strong. Right before the wedding. Awesome. At least it's not me getting married. Ha. That would be a nightmare. Acne everywhere on your wedding day... anyway. I also predicted earlier today that this would be a sleepless night, simply based on how exhausted I felt when I woke up. Then throughout the day I was dizzy and in some pretty uncomfortable stomach pain with not much of an appetite, forcing all my meals throughout the day. This fatigue with the discomfort, lack of proper nutrition and pushing energy all day is resulting in an uncomfortable sleepless night. My stomach aches and I still feel jittery and weak. I really just wish I could sleep. But I know it's not coming soon. I read a decent chunk of 2nd Nephi - the Isiah chapters (this is where I was in my reading anyway, I didn't just decide to read this for no reason) - and I re-read them to better make sense of them. They are pretty interesting. I also finished a book I was only about half way through with when I picked it up this evening.

The cat has joined me upstairs and keeps meowing for my attention. Yes, we have a cat... kind of. More like, she lives in and around the house that we live in and she lived here before we did and likes us enough to stick around. An outdoor cat in the summer, and as soon as the temperatures started to drop she sneaked inside the first chance she found and walked around like she owned the place. Has been sleeping in my bed ever since. Knows how to use a litter box, is de-clawed, is VERY friendly, and won't leave! So I guess she stays. Stupid cat. :P

New Years Resolutions... I haven't thought too much about these yet, but I guess since I'm up and am only feeling pain and jitters instead of the warmth from my blankets and the mysteries of dreams, I'll improvise and get a start on some goals...

1) (this one is obvious but necessary) manage my health. Take the stinking dulcolax every day. Never forget pills and be pro-active about getting prescriptions refilled on time. This is such a pain to do sometimes because I just don't want to think about the pills and why I have to take them. But I guess I just have to get over it. And that's what I'm gonna do. I still don't know exactly what's up in my body, but the most likely theory is this: previous disease has left scar tissue and has damaged nerve endings, meaning I have dead parts of my intestines that don't work right. Your intestines are supposed to work pretty rhythmically, always moving food through. When food reaches a part of my colon that has dead nerves and tissues, nothing happens, but the areas around it continue to move, creating discomfort and pain. This, along with the stress and emotional mayhem I have been experiencing the last couple of months, are causing a nightmare for my stomach, because the same hormones for stress and stuff are also released into the stomach and are used for digestion. It's weird. And it sucks. Any normal healthy person under stress like this would get sick, too. But since I have a history of disease and possibly might have active disease still in my stomach/duodenum (the scope showed it a few months ago????), it's just a hellish nightmare to live with. To treat this, I use laxatives to force my system to have a regular rhythm. It has reduced the pain. But not all of it. I'm going to see a pain specialist and get my anti-depressants changed to something that focuses more on pain and see if that helps. Eating healthy, of course, is beneficial as well.

So yeah... manage my health. Life will always be sick and tired and miserable for me if I never learn how to do this. This is going to take a lot of determination and work. But I gotta do it, and I want to do it. So I will.

2) The last few months I have gotten much better about reading the scriptures. I want to continue this goal into this year. Read regularly. I also want to add to this to ask questions. Don't just shrug off something I don't entirely understand when I read it. Or if I hear something in church that needs clarification. Take notes, share them with someone and get a discussion going. Improve my learning and gain some good habits.

3) Keep my room clean. I love having a clean room. Once I get it completely ready to stay clean, it won't be that hard.

4) Read more. Facebook less. I love reading. Get my butt to the library. Become the bookworm I used to be.

5) Be more proud of myself and my accomplishments. Be less hard on myself. Continue to push myself for progress, but don't push myself down for not doing enough or being good enough or for thinking I'm disappointing others, or disappointing myself. Give myself some slack when my health is down, but don't let my health run my life in such a way that I can't ever give enough to be satisfied with. This is something I will have to work on my whole life. Not letting my fear of disappointing people prevent me from making progress. And making sure I balance my energy wisely so that I don't out-do myself and end up regretting it later.

That's all I've got for now. My stomach still hurts and I feel too jittery to sleep, but I have church in 7 hours and I should really try to get some rest.

Thoughts from Early in the Morning

Well that last post was pretty depressing I must say. I guess we all hit highs and lows. Being on prednisone and experiencing the mood swings, plus all that has been happening in life, all the emotions and chemicals just do not create a very pleasant mix.
I am up late (or early I guess..) due to some pretty serious stomach pain that has me doubled over in nausea and cramps much of the time. Despite being uncomfortable, I'm finding it to be more pleasant to think about what I'm grateful for, so I will post those things here.
I am grateful for the church. I am grateful for the YSA program. Basically, without either of these, I would have no life whatsoever. I would be a loser with no life. And I would probably hate it. So I am very blessed and grateful to have this in my life.
Back to the church, I am grateful for the gospel in my life and the truths that I know.
I am grateful for my education and that I will be debt free when I graduate. It is a burden I will not have to carry. I am very aware that very few are so privileged to have this luxury, so I take great appreciation in my dad's job and the benefits it offers for me and my future.
I am grateful for my talents. For music. Music is a language of God. As I study it more and more and as my repertoire expands and experience grows, my love for it also grows. I am glad to have this in my life and am glad that I can express my thoughts and feelings through such beautiful instruments. Especially when I cannot communicate them through words. Music is my release. My escape. My passion. My life.
I am grateful for who I am. There is a lot about me that I can dislike and that others can, too, but aside from my faults and flaws and wrong doings and imperfections (and much much more), I know who I am. I know I am a child of God. I know there is value in my life, even though at times, circumstances make it look worthless and pathetic. I know there is much more of me that has yet to become. I know there is much to me that nobody but God knows, and that because of this, I should put my entire trust and faith in Him.
I am grateful for the Christmas season. I haven't been excited for Christmas in years. Our new house is lovely. It's warm and cozy and open. Christmas will be very enjoyable this year. :)
I am grateful for my dogs. I love my dogs! Tango and Gus and Hoover. And they love me. :)
I am grateful for my family. Each of my siblings. My parents. We don't always have happy picturesque lovely occasions (with the exception of Oliver - he is just one big ball of happiness and love!), but I am grateful for what I have anyway. I couldn't imagine life without them. And I'm glad I never will have to.

It is just about 5 in the morning and the pain is not lessening.. it's intensifying. Bed, even if it doesn't include sleep, will be good.

Golly depression is a kick in the butt sometimes.
I am so tired of this lonely worthless feeling. Mostly loneliness... The semester is over and all of my friends went back home. Old friends are back in town, but I was never really super close to anybody in particular before they left for college anyway, so it's really not any different because our only form of communication is still via the internet. Lame. My good friend Scott just passed away suddenly from a rare cancer that came on very quickly. I never take any of my friendships for granted because the good ones are always so far and few in between, and he didn't take them for granted either, and it hurts to lose a growing friendship this way. I know and firmly believe in the Plan of Salvation, so I know everything is OK, but the heartbreak of losing a friend is still there. And on top of everything going on in life right now... I know it could be worse, I know other people have it harder, but for goodness sakes I'm struggling to stay above water. And I'm fighting for the struggle. I'm really trying. It is getting exhausting.
Losing friends seems to be a trend this year. And that's just it. I miss everybody. Everything.

I'm being told to go to bed.
I'm just lonely.
And nobody reads this anyway so it's not like there's really a point to this post.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post, but I guess I feel the need to say something somewhere. Even if nobody reads it...
I really hate being on prednisone. I feel so depressed. I was totally fine just 3 weeks ago, but now I can't get rid of this feeling of worthlessness and not caring. Every little thing screams "you can't do anything right! You're just crazy, why do you even bother!" Even though I know I am not worthless, I know it's not true, I know I have tremendous value, I know I am loved by many and supported by friends and family, I know the Lord loves me, I know all of this. But this gosh darned pill makes my mood swing so harshly. I can sense the instability of my emotions and self esteem, even when I'm feeling fine. I could have a melt down at the drop of a hat. It's completely irrational and I hate this because I am even AWARE of all of this, yet I can't control it! I hate prednisone!!! I hate snapping at my siblings and realizing what I am doing while doing it, not wanting to do it, yet doing it anyway and not being able to stop it. It scares the crap out of me. And it is not fair to those around me. At all. And it makes me feel worse because I feel like I should be able to have some control over this, so in a way it's my fault. But what can I do?!!
I'm going to be seeing a neurologist or a muscular-skeletal doctor sometime over Christmas break to discuss pain management. That will mean I will not have to rely on heavy narcotics for pain relief. We will take a new approach to handling my pain, and hopefully that will be a step in the right direction for getting better. I really don't want another semester like the one I just had. I did just fine in my classes and everything, but it was not easy physically. I am so exhausted.
That's another thing with prednisone, going back to that topic. Insomnia. I hate it. I just simply don't sleep. And I wake up. A lot. My body just will not sleep. No matter how fatigued and exhausted I am, no matter how wiped out I am physically and emotionally and mentally. I just lay there. With no sleep. This is not good for my pain. Or emotional health.
To top it all off, prednisone isn't even helping. I am still having a lot of stomach pain. I still feel nauseous when I eat and, even though prednisone boosts my appetite, I still don't want to eat. I feel sick when I eat, it hurts when I eat.

I am falling asleep while writing this. I need to go.
I'll hang in there, I'll manage, this will be over soon... just 5 more weeks of prednisone. I can do it.

Sometimes I feel like giving up on doctors. All the numbers come back normal - beyond normal even, it appears that I am very healthy. "You are probably better nourished than I am" my doctor said. Because I drink Boost nutritional drinks every day. I sometimes wonder if maybe I stopped doing the things I do that healthy people don't have to do, they would realize that I am not well. But I know that would be stupid because obviously I have control over that part, and that's wonderful. But that doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time.

This pain is exhausting. Eating is exhausting. Eating hurts. Living hurts. My head hurts.

I hate complaining, too. I hate sounding whiny.
But I have to vent about this some time.

I get so dizzy. I have such hard crashes from when I'm feeling well to when I suddenly feel like crap. It wipes me out.
Driving is scary. Especially if I experience one of these "crashes".
School is so hard with this. Getting from class to class, remaining physically upright and attentive.
I'm so tired.