South Carolina and of course, Poor Health.

I'm currently in Columbia, South Carolina, typing from a hotel bed on a friend's laptop while she naps. I'm here in SC for the Society of Composers National Conference. People from around the nation submitted compositions to be performed at this huge conference. Only 100 were chosen, and 4 of the many many many compositions come from my school, Clarke University. Clarke has a student population of around 1100, with less than 30 being music majors, and even less being composers. Two of the four chosen from Clarke are professors, and the other two are students. They are the only undergrads at this conference. That's amazing!!! I'm here because one of the student composers wrote a piece for piano and cello and I was asked to perform the cello part. What an honor! So I performed on Friday and recieved many compliments.
On this trip I've learned a LOT about grad school and what it's like to live on your own and what makes a good school and what does not (we stopped in Indianapolis for a Butler University visit).

We leave for home tomorrow. Long drive to Indianapolis, then another drive to good ol' Dubz.

For the most part I'm having a really enjoyable time here.



It's been quite a while since I've updated this.
Since the last post, I've visited Iowa City a few times. Met new doctors. Had a colonoscopy. I was so sick from the prep I was throwing up all day of the scope. My blood pressure was 95/52 so they couldn't sedate me for a while. Had to give me IV fluids for about 45 minutes. Once I was about 102/60 they sedated me, but not fully because of the risks with my blood pressure. I was unaware of what was going on, but I was concious enough to give responses apparently. During the scope, I was yelling at certain points. This isn't normal for a healthy person. But they found nothing wrong. They even got 20 cm into my small intestine and found nothing. Yet I was yelling and in pain.
They scheduled me for an MRI and I had that done. Had to drink sooo much barium. Couldn't drink it all and I was so naseous that they couldn't give me the IV medication to slow my stomach down to make the image clearer. This is frustrating because the restuls from the MRI showed nothing helpful.
Heads up, I'm about to get into topics that aren't exactly dinner table appropriate, but still serious.
So now I am being treated for IBS. They want to see if I'm simply constipated.
I've been tested like that soooo maaannnyyyyy tiiiimmmeeesssssss. Using laxatives and cleaning my colon out doesn't do ANYTHING for this pain. For my appetite. The nausea, fatigue, heavy rectal bleeding (which still surprises me they didn't even see anything!!!!). I mean, even without laxatives, I'm having at least two bowel movements a day. That's more than my norm. And it's not necessarily healthy crap all the time, either. At least once a day it's urgent sick stuff.
On Tuesday the 23rd I go back to Iowa City. They're probably going to schedule another upper endoscopy. Dubuque did the first one and they haven't seen the images. They also said that usually when they re-do a test, they often find something that was missed the first time.

I'm just praying we can get this solved.
I am in daily pain. Many days it is to the point of tears, I can't even help it. This scares me. I've lost about 20 lbs. I'm currently fluctuating between 98-102 lbs. I'm in so much pain, I can't really comprehend it. I get so nauseous, I don't eat because it's just awful - hurts, makes me wanna barf -, my blood sugar gets low, I get dehydrated, I eat and drink, feel even worse, and then I can't sleep because I feel So. Sick. I wake up every night in pain. I'm bruising EVERYWHERE. There are unexplainable bruises all over my legs. Found one on my hip and two on my back. The ones on my arms are gone, but there were a couple of weeks where there were at least 3 on each arm. This is ridiculous. I'm living like this and there is nothing they can find that makes sense as to why I am living this way. I think I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm just about ready to believe that there's a demon spirit in me that is attacking my body. If the doctors don't find anything and if treatments and diets aren't helping, really, that's the only thing that would make sense.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL. I WANT THE PAIN TO STOP.


And yet, through it all, I'm managing to keep my body and my spirit separate. Crohn's (or whatever on earth it is) has my body. But it does not have me. My attitude and my spirit, my personality and beliefs are not touched by crohn's. Crohn's makes this all quite the battle to fight for, but for the most part I think I'm winning.
I just really need help.
I hate asking for help.
I'm such an independent person.
I have support of friends and family and I appreciate it so much.
I don't even know what kind of help. Help to take my mind off the pain. Help to keep me smiling. I'm not falling into a depression or anything, but even when I'm exhausted, it's nice to find something to smile for. And to have someone there to smile with me.. that's where I need the help.