Feigning

I have quite a few talents, some that are fairly common, such as music and art and such, and some of those little trivial skills that you often put in for an answer when asked "tell us something about yourself that we don't know" or "Do you have any hidden talents?".

Well, this isn't exactly hidden, and I wouldn't necessarily call it a "talent" either. It's a bit more of a skill, but almost a life-style these days.

I've become quite believable at feigning comfort over the last few years. Nobody really knows that I'm in pain much of the time. I drive around, I get into conversations with people, I walk the halls of Clarke College, I perform, I go to work, I do all of your every-day tasks and you would not be able to tell when I am in pain and when I am not. I don't really like that kind of attention. The "oh you don't look like you're feeling very well, why don't you go sit down?" No thanks. I'm perfectly fine, I can tough it out. I know my limits.

I'm getting better at this, too. Keeping a normal facial expression and a composed body while my insides burn and cramp in sharp twisting pain. It's almost a requirement. I simply don't have time to deal with this. I can't let it control my life. I'm not in denial about it, but it's just getting old fast. Yet it's something still fairly new to me, I've only been in this much pain for a few years out of my 18 1/2. I'm learning to deal with it. And I'll probably deal with it for a large portion of my life. As much as that sounds like it sucks, you know, I'm sure I'll be able to help others with this or something or other.

It's so weird. I don't much like this, but I'm all for making the best with what you're given, so I guess this is just something I'll be making the best of for a long time.

I don't really need any help or consolidating words or anything. I don't really know why I feel the need to share this. I guess sometimes the pain gets really bad sometimes and it really frustrates me, I just get so stinking tired of it all, the twisting and burning and cramping, the sudden rush of pain that literally brings me to the floor, and the exhaustion that accompanies pain, and nobody knows I'm going through it. Nobody knows I'm in pain and am frustrated sometimes. And that's because of my own not-showing-pain. And with the whole don't-keep-things-bottled-up, I guess I need to vent about this stuff sometimes. I've learned the hard way that I really can't keep things bottled up.

So that's my vent I suppose. I'm writing this at 12:34 at night because I can't sleep because of this darn Crohn's disease pain.

Hmmm.

Church in the morning.

Goodnight.