stupid emo rant

you don't have to read this, I'm just a stupid teenager.

tired of being treated like a stupid teenager at least.

Not fitting in or feeling very accepted as an individual and an adult.

Not being understood and really struggling on finding ways to get people to understand.

Like, I'm only good for certain things and everything else I'm supposed to be quiet and remain invisible from.

That's how it was in high school. I thought I left that.

Apparently not.

Whatever.

The only thing I don't know is how to deal with it.

So I appear stupid and immature because I don't know how to be around people I suppose. I'm always just myself, but it always feels wrong.

Even with my own freaking family. My parents. My sisters.

What the hell.

It's probably my fault. It always is.

I'll fix it when I have some freaking time.
Time? What is that.
It doesn't exist in my world, I'm far too busy. There's too much to do.

I'm handling my life ok, there's just a lot of unimportant stuff being added and I can't deal with that.

Do people not understand that I am not super woman? And I will break down if driven too hard? Do I need to say that? Or will that just be another immature and child like action of mine to add to the list hmm?

Again.

Whatever.

Stress Relievers

Two recent favorite stress relievers of mine have come in great use recently. They would be:

Wii Sports Resort - Sword Fighting.

Takes a lot of full body strength to beat the suckers off the stand and down into the depths of the ocean below. At least for me it takes a lot of strength. It's great! If I didn't have this, I'd say I need a punching bag. I still could probably use one.. man it feels great to beat something up sometimes.

Another recent stress reliever of mine is a new piece I'm learning on my own (my teacher doesn't know I'm learning it, and frankly I don't want the help/advise from anybody on my skills for this piece. I'm beyond content putting all my frustration in to it, even if it doesn't have EVERY SINGLE accent played that's written in the music. I just don't give a darn for now.) I'm not going to competitions in this, I'm just learning it for the satisfaction and fun that it really is. That's how I wish I could learn all of my music.

I give you: Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C# minor.

I suppose that mini rant above is because I've been on this one sonata with my piano teacher for just a bit too long... she's getting down to the extremely knit-picky stuff, and frankly I just want to move on to something else. I don't really care if I need to let go of a note a millisecond earlier, because it's messing me up when I have to focus on that and I can't enjoy the piece anymore.

Fortunately, that's not how it is with cello, and piano is not my major instrument. I'd go knit-picky over everything with cello any day.

Gah. I hate these stupid stomach pains I keep getting. It hurts!!!!! I see my GI 2 weeks from today.

Ignorance

"The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance."

don't remember who said that.. I think it was Ben Franklin?

Anyway.

Ignorance is annoying to deal with.

I will admit I am ignorant towards a few things, but at least I make sure to not place any discredited opinions towards that which I am not very knowledgeable of.

Something happened today that I'm not sure what to think of. Kind of rattled me a bit, I've never been told this before.

I was practicing my cello in one of the practice rooms at Clarke (which after today I may not do for a quite a while..:( ). I've been practicing the piece I've been so excited to learn. Here's a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inLlNdjKgTQ

There was a piano tuner tuning all of the pianos (no way!) at Clarke and he was in the room next to me. I stopped practicing to go to choir. After choir, I went back to the practice rooms to grab my cello and head home. The tuner had moved into that room, so I knocked on the door, opened it, grabbed my cello saying "hi, just gotta grab this". Shut the door, then he came out and asked "were you playing in here earlier? Like, late morning-ish?" I replied "oh yeah". He said to me "that was you?? Wow. That was phenomenal." and smiled. And he started talking about how he was impressed. He said he stopped tuning for a while and just stood out in the hallway to listen. I was flattered. Then he said that while he was out there, a group of students walked by. I was practicing the part that in the recording is around the time 2:36-2:48, with the double stop chords ascending and then descending and all. I was doing really well, getting it all perfectly in tune and with a dramatic interpretation (which my teachers have been telling me the way I play it is fantastic and impressive). The piano tuner told me that when the students walked by, one of them said out loud "God that sounds awful."

...that kind of was a punch in the gut.

Now, I know they don't know anything, so what they say doesn't really matter. The tuner told me "I couldn't believe they said that, made me think, you know, people are so ignorant these days about music that isn't 'popular', it's a pity really."

So I'm flattered the musician thought I was phenomenal, but I don't think I've ever once been commented on sounding "awful"... that's a hard one to take. Because I'm not awful.. I'm not exactly perfect or the best, either. I *am* up there (in rating the quality of my playing abilities, sound, knowledge and over-all musicality) if not exactly very high (like say Yo Yo Ma or a Juiliard student/graduate), but I'm pretty sure I'm far from sounding...awful..

I just need to forget it. That's a lot easier said than done. I don't want to practice at Clarke anymore if ignorant idiots are going to be making comments like that.

So.

On a different topic...

I've joined the Cantabile Choir (woman's choir) at Clarke. I've always been put in the alto section because I have a wider range than a lot of people (both low and high), I can read music and sing out and am good for support. I've been told I could sing anything and always end up in the altos. Well now I'm at a place where everybody reads music very well and have been assigned elsewhere from the altos! I'm a 2nd soprano! And I think I like it a lot. :)

I think that's all.

Oh, the semester started yesterday.
I'm busy.

The end.

My Mind

Sooo much on my mind..

The latest facebook trend has me rather disgusted. I don't know if I'm just an uptight grandmotherly snob or what, but I don't think that this is the best way to bring out breast cancer awareness. As one of my facebook friends put in her status, she "thinks this whole color thing was thought up by some male slob who needs a vicarious thrill. C'mon, ladies, it's not curing anything besides men's winter doldrums." Couldn't agree more. Though I doubt the male slob part, it probably was a woman's idea, it's still a bit ridiculous and a bit aside from the point of breast cancer awareness.. woman can see the point of this, yes, but guys are just gonna be imagining the girl in that color bra, am I right????? This whole deal is turning into a rather skanky thing. Some of the comments on these colored statuses are revolting, and I've received a few "girl's only messages" with things like "round 2 for confusing the men!" and "here's the next status game for girls" where you put a number for what kind of underwear you're wearing. Ok, really? Is that necessary? Do we REALLY need to know that? Do we really need to let the world know this?? Oh brother. Disgusting. I've been fortunate to not have seen any "number" statuses yet. And I hope the trend doesn't pick up. Yuck. I (and just about everybody else on facebook) seriously do not need to know this. It's just plain trashy.

My teeth freaking hurt. I'm so tired of braces.

And though yes, I am tired of it, I am starting to get used to the cold. I put on my coat and boots and scarf and gloves and hat, walk out the door, yes it's bitter, but it's not that bad anymore. That doesn't mean I wish it to stay. I so badly miss summer and being able to sit outside, soaking in the sun and reading with nothing but a t-shirt, shorts and bare feet.

Working out potential ensemble credits at Clarke. I love Clarke College, it's a great school, great music program, except that it's lacking in the strings department. Right now I get an ensemble credit for being in the Youth Symphony. However, there are a few better places for a college student to be in an orchestral ensemble than the Youth Symphony. But none of them are in articulation with the Clarke Music Department as of yet. So my attendance at Clarke may bring some changes to the music department...hahahaha. Because of my questioning and what will be persistence, they will hopefully team up with UWPlatteville and work it out so that any string students will be able to play in their symphony orchestra and have that count as a credit. For now however, I'll have to pay quite a bit of money if I want that to count as a credit. Whereas, in the Youth Symphony, I have a scholarship to be in there. But again, it's not the ideal college experience. I love it, yes, but I'm not growing in the way that I should.

And another option, I'll be auditioning for the Dubuque Symphony Orchestra this fall. A few obstacles: 1) there may not be an opening, and it's looking like there won't be. That can change, but right now it's too soon to tell. 2)If there is an opening, I'll have to do extremely well in my audition. This means a LOT of practicing and a lot of growing will need to be made in the next 8 months. I think I can do that, I think I can have a killer audition, but none of that is going to matter if #1 on the list becomes true. So I may or may not make it in, we can't tell right now. If I make it in, all's fine, Clarke is already set up with the DSO from past students and it would just work out as my ensemble. However it's looking like I may not be able to join until fall of 2011, assuming there are no openings fall of 2010 and there ARE in 2011. We'll just wait and see.

Dang that's a lot.

My head hurts.

My Boost drink exploded on me today and it was not fun.

I wish I could work more hours, but I can't with all this school. Wish I could make more money. I'm taking 18 credit hours this semester. I'm excited to be getting things done with and making progress. I'm also excited to be seeing my good friend Josh in a few weeks. :) That will be fun and will make for a busy spring break the first week of March. Aaahhhhhhh.

Time to go find something else to do besides being on the internet.

Obsessed Much?

I am getting my braces off very soon (I hope) and am so extremely tired of having them on. I look like a 16 year old with them on. I've been so ready for so long to have them off, and since I've been super bored on this snow day, I decided to goof around and edit some pictures to see what I look like without braces. I've changed so much since I had them on, have had about a dozen different hair styles, my face has changed since being back on and back off of cortisone steroids, and I just look older than I did when I was 15 anyway. So for my boredom and your entertainment, here are my roughly edited pictures with my "brace-less" teeth. :P I had to make them heavily black and white so as to smooth out the editing.. hahaha. They get better as you scroll down, as I learned more and more how to better edit them. Edited on picassa with the "retouch" tool. :P

Click on them to enlarge them without the background showing through :)

Years

Been reflecting a little bit on the last few years.

2009 was definitely a HUGE improvement from 2008 and 2007....and 06 and 05. :P But 2008 was definitely the worst. I was so relieved at new years last year, so relieved to say goodbye to a rotten year full of depression and struggle and frustrations (to say the least), and so ready to bring on a new year of improvement and joy and a huge attitude change. I believe I've been successful in achieving that, and my goal for this next year is to continue in having a positive attitude, increasing my spiritual strength and working on my talents. Also hoping to be a bit more social and open and not so frozen and hidden all the time. That will be something I will need to work on my whole life, but might as well start making an effort to work at it now, huh?

Some resolutions I have for this year are:

To be more positive about things, more specifically, don't let anger and frustration and resentment be the first emotion. This mostly applies to driving and various things that tend to get on my nerves. Rather, look at it from the large picture, and think of what Christ would do.

Practice cello and piano more and work even harder.

Read my scriptures more often. Daily. At the very least 5 days a week.

Just over all learn a better sense of being independent and mature and WISE without having to rely on parents/others as much.

Read more. Not just scriptures, but seriously, I need to read more books. Hardly read any this last year, it's a pity.

Work through whatever my health may throw at me, stay strong emotionally, spiritually and physically so I can better fight whatever may come. Also eat healthier and stay fit.

Hmm. Some things that happened in 2009:

January: It was a harsh winter. Not too much happened. Started my last semester of high school. :)

February: About the same as January. No valentine (whatever), and started preparing for the school musical.

March: Went to New York City with the music department, and also had the musical Suessical the Musical. That was fun.

April: Things started warming up and I started finishing up my online classes so I could graduate from high school in time. I won the concerto competition!!!

May: Prom (no date but had a blast anyway), Graduation, made principle cellist at the Iowa State Honors Orchestra in Des Moines. Ahhh good month.

June: Girl's Camp!!! Wow. And Youth Conference. Gee wiz. Hottest month of the year. Got my first job at the Humane Society.

July: It was a cool July. Not very warm. Even the 4th of July was chilly. But good still :)

August: Softball games and getting ready for college :) And Aunt Karen came over for a while :)

September: Turned 18!! And college!! And YSA Conference. Stopped working at the Humane Society and started up at Dairy Queen.

October: More college, lots of preparation for the solo with the symphony, and then the performance. Also Halloween. And my grandpa Gidley came to town to see me play. :)

November: Mooooreee school, Thanksgiving and snow

December: snow, finals, more snow, break, work, snow, Christmas and New Years :)

Wow what a year. :)

Can't wait to see what this one holds :) :) :)