Evil

I am.

I'm not allowed to be angry ever. I'm supposed to be the precious little angel to everybody and everything. Never am I to raise my voice, never am I to be frustrated. I'm supposed to be silent, positive and pleasant every waking and breathing second. Never am I to be human and blow my steam, let things bother me, or just scream by myself to relieve building pressure and distress, which also shouldn't exist.

I am an evil person.
I do get angry. I'm not a precious little angel. I do raise my voice sometimes and I do become frustrated. I'm not always silent, I try my hardest to be positive, but I'm human and bad things happen sometimes, so sometimes I just am going to be negative. Most importantly, I am human and I WILL blow my steam, things will bother me, and in order to maintain a healthy life, sometimes I need to scream, because believe it or not, little miss cute and innocent Laura over here, is put under pressure in so many ways every day and faces distress as well, it all does exist for me. I can be happy, I know how to be and I love to be happy. But I'm human, and the world just isn't always happy. It's hard to be happy in an unhappy world. So instead of ripping me to shreads and pushing me down about those times where I am unhappy, show me some praise and acceptance and pleasure in my being happy. I never hear it. Ever. I only hear of the times when I'm unhappy. I highly regret some of the things I've said when I'm angry, and people have just got to give me credit on my improvement, I've worked so hard on so many things this year, school, music, music, music, the way I present myself in life, being a kinder person, and I've really worked on controlling my anger and what I say. So why is it then that now when I get angry, it's not nearly as angry as I used to get, but the reaction is so much harsher? I know I used to be quite horrible when I was young, and as a preteen it wasn't exactly pleasant, but now when I get even slightly angry, it's all my fault. Everything is my fault. Everybody gets upset, even when I'm not angry at them, because I'm just not happy. And they're upset with me! Why?? Am I not allowed to be human? I haven't gotten a clear answer ever.

The next thing that bothers me is this.
Again, I'm not allowed to be upset or frustrated or ticked off at anything/anybody. When I am, did you know that it's all my fault? I can't vent. To anybody! Because whatever is bothering me, I shouldn't be feeling that way, because I'm not perfect, either, duh. I'm an idiot for not knowing that. If somebody says something really rude to me and I just need to get it off of my chest, I'm told an excuse for why that person is that way and then I'm told "you can't say that, because you know, you etc etc". Gee, that just makes me feel better, thanks for being somebody I trust! I really don't appreciate having all of my faults thrown at my face all the time. Once in a while is whatever, yeah, I should just get over it, but honestly, can't I just be human and have some feelings every now and then? Or are all of the things that make me kind of frustrated, do they all make me an evil person? Is that why I can never find a sympathetic heart? Am I really evil?




*disclaimer, I know I'm not evil, I'm just making a point (that nobody will probably ever read) that I feel trapped in the fact that every single time I get angry enough to shout, the reactions of some people around me is so extreme so often that it gets me in a heap load of trouble, even when it truely is an over reaction.