I Predicted this Insomnia

I predicted I would get insomnia from the prednisone before I was put on it. Thank goodness I only have 2 1/2 weeks left on the stinking pill. 15 mg is sure less powerful than 40 was at the beginning though. The mood swings have calmed way down. The acne, however, is still going strong. Right before the wedding. Awesome. At least it's not me getting married. Ha. That would be a nightmare. Acne everywhere on your wedding day... anyway. I also predicted earlier today that this would be a sleepless night, simply based on how exhausted I felt when I woke up. Then throughout the day I was dizzy and in some pretty uncomfortable stomach pain with not much of an appetite, forcing all my meals throughout the day. This fatigue with the discomfort, lack of proper nutrition and pushing energy all day is resulting in an uncomfortable sleepless night. My stomach aches and I still feel jittery and weak. I really just wish I could sleep. But I know it's not coming soon. I read a decent chunk of 2nd Nephi - the Isiah chapters (this is where I was in my reading anyway, I didn't just decide to read this for no reason) - and I re-read them to better make sense of them. They are pretty interesting. I also finished a book I was only about half way through with when I picked it up this evening.

The cat has joined me upstairs and keeps meowing for my attention. Yes, we have a cat... kind of. More like, she lives in and around the house that we live in and she lived here before we did and likes us enough to stick around. An outdoor cat in the summer, and as soon as the temperatures started to drop she sneaked inside the first chance she found and walked around like she owned the place. Has been sleeping in my bed ever since. Knows how to use a litter box, is de-clawed, is VERY friendly, and won't leave! So I guess she stays. Stupid cat. :P

New Years Resolutions... I haven't thought too much about these yet, but I guess since I'm up and am only feeling pain and jitters instead of the warmth from my blankets and the mysteries of dreams, I'll improvise and get a start on some goals...

1) (this one is obvious but necessary) manage my health. Take the stinking dulcolax every day. Never forget pills and be pro-active about getting prescriptions refilled on time. This is such a pain to do sometimes because I just don't want to think about the pills and why I have to take them. But I guess I just have to get over it. And that's what I'm gonna do. I still don't know exactly what's up in my body, but the most likely theory is this: previous disease has left scar tissue and has damaged nerve endings, meaning I have dead parts of my intestines that don't work right. Your intestines are supposed to work pretty rhythmically, always moving food through. When food reaches a part of my colon that has dead nerves and tissues, nothing happens, but the areas around it continue to move, creating discomfort and pain. This, along with the stress and emotional mayhem I have been experiencing the last couple of months, are causing a nightmare for my stomach, because the same hormones for stress and stuff are also released into the stomach and are used for digestion. It's weird. And it sucks. Any normal healthy person under stress like this would get sick, too. But since I have a history of disease and possibly might have active disease still in my stomach/duodenum (the scope showed it a few months ago????), it's just a hellish nightmare to live with. To treat this, I use laxatives to force my system to have a regular rhythm. It has reduced the pain. But not all of it. I'm going to see a pain specialist and get my anti-depressants changed to something that focuses more on pain and see if that helps. Eating healthy, of course, is beneficial as well.

So yeah... manage my health. Life will always be sick and tired and miserable for me if I never learn how to do this. This is going to take a lot of determination and work. But I gotta do it, and I want to do it. So I will.

2) The last few months I have gotten much better about reading the scriptures. I want to continue this goal into this year. Read regularly. I also want to add to this to ask questions. Don't just shrug off something I don't entirely understand when I read it. Or if I hear something in church that needs clarification. Take notes, share them with someone and get a discussion going. Improve my learning and gain some good habits.

3) Keep my room clean. I love having a clean room. Once I get it completely ready to stay clean, it won't be that hard.

4) Read more. Facebook less. I love reading. Get my butt to the library. Become the bookworm I used to be.

5) Be more proud of myself and my accomplishments. Be less hard on myself. Continue to push myself for progress, but don't push myself down for not doing enough or being good enough or for thinking I'm disappointing others, or disappointing myself. Give myself some slack when my health is down, but don't let my health run my life in such a way that I can't ever give enough to be satisfied with. This is something I will have to work on my whole life. Not letting my fear of disappointing people prevent me from making progress. And making sure I balance my energy wisely so that I don't out-do myself and end up regretting it later.

That's all I've got for now. My stomach still hurts and I feel too jittery to sleep, but I have church in 7 hours and I should really try to get some rest.