Anxiety

Funny word, anxiety, if you look at it long enough.

I only post this because I don't really want to put this on facebook where a few hundred people can see it, yet I need to type it out in a place where I know at least my cousins see this and can listen (or, well... read).
First, the good (excellent wonderful awesome amazing) news!
I can now say the "r" word. REMISSION!!! My crohn's is in REMISSION. YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I hope it lasts forever and ever and ever. :D
I do however have dysfunctional bowel/IBS. Parts of the nerves in my colon are dead, so some parts simply don't move and work, so I get pain in the surrounding areas from them working too hard, and I also get backed up, which is in and of itself painful. Dulcolax and lots of water fixes that!

Now the other news. It isn't exactly bad, but I'm not necessarily jumping for joy.
Precisely a week and 1/2 after I was told I was in remission (Friday), I woke up, went to the bathroom, filled the toilet with blood. Called the doctor, went in to see my excellent primary care physician. They ordered some urine tests. They found a bacteria in there, some blood, but no white blood cells which meant this is coming from the kidneys. The doctor tapped my back up and down and it was very tender where my kidneys are. Put me on an antibiotic, told me to call back in a few days if things don't improve/get worse. Told me to watch for fevers and/or vomiting.

I realized during this appointment that the "upper stomach pain" I've been complaining of for a couple of months had been getting stronger and sharper over the last 2-3 weeks, as opposed to the dull stab-like ache it was the rest of the time. I told the doctor that and basically said it could be further evidence of a kidney infection.

Over the last few days the pain did not go away. Though I only filled the toilet with blood once, I've been dripping. The pain is getting worse. I'm so exhausted. Two-three times I felt heated/sweats with shivers and chills, but those went away fairly quickly. I've also developed a dull ache in my very very lower stomach.

My doctor's nurse called me today to see how I was doing. I told her everything in the paragraph above. She said my doctor was hoping the antibiotics would work and that they don't like that I'm in pain, I should come in tomorrow if at all possible.
So I'm going to go in tomorrow. And I don't think I have been anxious for a doctor's appointment in a very very very long time. I think the last time I was anxious was probably my first couple of appointments in Iowa City back when I was 13. I'm anxious because I'm afraid that they'll find something bad, or that they won't find anything at all and I'll be at yet another dead-end. I've been working my butt off to get healthy. And I will continue to do all I can to get healthy and remain healthy. I really just want all illness to leave me so that I can start living the life I really want to live.

Yet I sit back, look at my life, and know I can take anything that comes my way and it will all be ok in the end.
So glad I wrote this out. It helps me think better.