Music Soothes the Soul

I feel kind of awkward having a blog and only writing about my health lately, but most of the people reading this are family who I know like the updates, so I'll write some more about that.

But for right now really quick I'd just like to say it's been a really rotten day (literally) and I put my blog page up with the playlist playing... and I remember why I picked the music that's on there, it's all music that, just in particular happens to be very soothing to me. Right now as I'm typing it's the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 that's playing, a piece that I've loved since I was 4 years old. It was actually one of the first orchestral pieces of music I remember hearing. It was on the credits page of a computer game I used to have (anybody remember Reader Rabbit?), and it would just play and play and play and I'd make sure nobody could see me, I'd shut the door and I'd just dance. I loved it. I don't know what it is about it. The hymns are pretty obvious, but such orchestral pieces, the little things like passing a melody line from one instrument to the other - reminds me of doing ensemble groups in high school, which I absolutely LOVE doing. Working with other people who are loving the piece as much as you are and love doing what we're all doing, it all just makes perfect sense in my mind, which is peaceful and soothing.

Anyway.

I had the cat scan today and, well, it sucked. I forgot how much these kinds of things wipe me out. I've had cat scans before that weren't for crohn's, but with any test that deals specifically with crohn's, they're very invasive and intense and physically straining. So, I arrived, and they had me drink barium, one of the most disgusting drinks on the face of this earth. I've had it tons of times before so it wasn't anything new, but it's still unpleasant. It's just.. nasty. So I drink a full bottle of that, then they call me in and have me put on a gown and robe. I lay on the scanning table and they have to try to put the IV in 2 times. Whatever. As long as I don't watch, I'm ok. Along with this whole thing, after drinking the barium, I had to have a contrast solution enema for the cat scan to read. And by goodness, I've had enemas before, even ones that are exactly the same as this, and they were not this bad. Uncomfortable, yes, lots of pressure and a huge urgency, yes, but stabbing unbearable pain, no. When it started I shut my eyes tight and clenched onto the sheets on the table. I was feeling the same pain I've been getting for the last year. But then they kept filling me with the solution and without my control I couldn't stop the tears from coming, it just hurt so much. I never cry from crohn's pain, and it can get bad. This was so painful. Ugh.

As much as it really hurt, I'm ok that it was hurting, because I've been so doubtful these last few days that there would even be anything for them to see and it would be another mystery case. So I know that they had to have seen at least something, at least mild inflammation or SOMETHING.

I kind of hate "wanting" them to find something, I feel like it makes me look like a hypochondriac. But I'm not, I'm just a person tired of running into dead ends and tired of being in pain.

So, I'll get results sometime next week.

In the mean time, I've got a large bottle's worth of barium moving through my system, and I may very well be throwing it back up tonight. It was the first thing I had to eat today, I grabbed some chicken and a blizzard after the scan, but found that food was a bad thing today. I feel so sick. Hopefully a night's rest will help make things better.